SEEDS OF EMOTION

Suddenly today I'm overwhelmed with emotion all over again
I can't seem to get you out of my head this morning,
The pain is almost unbearable again, why am I feeling like this today?
I thought I was ok, I am, but today brings many thoughts of you and much as I try to control it, I can't!

Its tough because I know you are not even giving me a second thought
I'm so disappointed at how you have treated me but I guess you showed me the real you eventually,
The you who treats someone he's supposed to love as though they were something he stepped in
The you who I was there for when nobody else was and who easily forgot that when it mattered the most.

But its ok, I did none of these things out of a sense of duty, it's just who I am
And that was the difference between you and I
No matter what you put me through, I remained true, was still there when I shouldn't have been and when you needed me,
Not because I had nothing better to do but because God wanted to know what was in our hearts, he revealed mine and it was true
So when the time comes the seeds I planted through you will flourish whilst you reap what you sowed over and over again!!!

DOIN' JUST FINE...

Yet again, I find myself on the train again, yet another journey. As I finally acquire a seat after standing for a while, I find myself reaching for my blackberry again...this time to pen some more feelings, painful emotions, the usual.

The setting is a hot, humid, people filled train. This time nothing springs straight to mind so I skip to the next track on my random playlist...'Doin Just Fine' by Boyz II Men - seemed like a perfect place to start. But I don't feel like I am (doin just fine) in all honesty, not as I would like to have been anyway, I could always be better! Sometimes trying too hard is too much - I tried so hard to be ok but it just made things worse - things on occasion have to run their course, but for how much longer? I felt like I had been running the same race for far too long and I was only a sprinter. Ironically when I was an athlete I never did like running more than my destined 100m, even when we had to run 400m just as a warm up before training. I guess in that sense I knew what I wanted and I always like getting there fast.

So, I wasn't doin just fine, my heart was broken and my life seemed as though it was an endless road of pain but I found it fascinating that you would be doing excellent. Maybe it wasn't so fascinating, he obviously didn't care, I was just gullible enough to think he did. I just wish I could also say I was 'doin just fine'.