SEEDS OF EMOTION

Suddenly today I'm overwhelmed with emotion all over again
I can't seem to get you out of my head this morning,
The pain is almost unbearable again, why am I feeling like this today?
I thought I was ok, I am, but today brings many thoughts of you and much as I try to control it, I can't!

Its tough because I know you are not even giving me a second thought
I'm so disappointed at how you have treated me but I guess you showed me the real you eventually,
The you who treats someone he's supposed to love as though they were something he stepped in
The you who I was there for when nobody else was and who easily forgot that when it mattered the most.

But its ok, I did none of these things out of a sense of duty, it's just who I am
And that was the difference between you and I
No matter what you put me through, I remained true, was still there when I shouldn't have been and when you needed me,
Not because I had nothing better to do but because God wanted to know what was in our hearts, he revealed mine and it was true
So when the time comes the seeds I planted through you will flourish whilst you reap what you sowed over and over again!!!

DOIN' JUST FINE...

Yet again, I find myself on the train again, yet another journey. As I finally acquire a seat after standing for a while, I find myself reaching for my blackberry again...this time to pen some more feelings, painful emotions, the usual.

The setting is a hot, humid, people filled train. This time nothing springs straight to mind so I skip to the next track on my random playlist...'Doin Just Fine' by Boyz II Men - seemed like a perfect place to start. But I don't feel like I am (doin just fine) in all honesty, not as I would like to have been anyway, I could always be better! Sometimes trying too hard is too much - I tried so hard to be ok but it just made things worse - things on occasion have to run their course, but for how much longer? I felt like I had been running the same race for far too long and I was only a sprinter. Ironically when I was an athlete I never did like running more than my destined 100m, even when we had to run 400m just as a warm up before training. I guess in that sense I knew what I wanted and I always like getting there fast.

So, I wasn't doin just fine, my heart was broken and my life seemed as though it was an endless road of pain but I found it fascinating that you would be doing excellent. Maybe it wasn't so fascinating, he obviously didn't care, I was just gullible enough to think he did. I just wish I could also say I was 'doin just fine'.

FRIENDS FOR LIFE

For the most part I prayed for peace, I prayed and longed for my broken heart to be mended and for my pain to disappear. Whilst I was waiting for God to answer my prayer he blessed me with some extra special friends.

No matter what you go through with some people, some friendships were meant to stand the test of time, go the distance. Irrespective of what you go through together, how many storms you see through and the unbearable times you have your differences and on occasion even fall out, there is something about that relationship being able to survive - it's LOVE. This is an example of love at it's BEST, no matter what the season, your love for each other ALWAYS far outweighs any trial or tribulation...nothing can stand in the way of true love and this is not just a lesson that can be applied to love within friendships but love between spouses. Since I could apply this notion to any type of relationship, that's when it occurred to me that 'he' never really loved me in the true sense of the word and that in itself was sad.

True, honest and unselfish love contained in one's heart is a great basis for a flourishing and everlasting friendship.

H.B. (Heart Broken)

CAN YOU STAND THE RAIN???

It was a Thursday, I was on my way to meet my best friend and late. Since the day my ex and I broke up she had been there for me, picking me up and forcing me to come out and socialise when all I wanted to do was stay home and cry. In a sense I had put her through a lot as she shared almost every moment of my pain with me and I wish I hadn't but she was amazing and I'm glad she was there for me.

"Can you stand the rain?" As I listened to the euphoric words from the song 'Can You Stand The Rain' penned by Boyz II Men playing in my ears on the train, the chorus seemed to resound more so than any other facet of the song. Yet again everything seemed to have a deeper meaning and I began to ask myself, what were they asking??? Could I stand 'the rain' in troubled times, could I weather the storm? I couldn't help but feel like maybe I couldn't, what I felt and how I felt now has led me to places I never so much as dreamed I would be. However, on the other hand I had been through so much and although I was consumed with emotion and felt as though I wasn't coping (truly, most days I wasn't), I was still here, I had my days! I hated the rain, I was never fond of being outside when it rained so ironically and metaphorically I hated turbulent times just the same.

What defined whether or not I had weathered the storm of my broken heart or if I could stand the rain? I was still here is the answer, the outcome could have been sooooo different on soooo many occasions, my life could have been ended, cut short because I was consumed by my emotions but I was STILL HERE. So in a way I withstood the rain, as much as I hated it, even as it poured so often, I pushed on but it sure was torrential however.

H.B. (Heart Broken)

I NEED TO TELL YOU...

10:37am: After he broke up with me I naturally wanted nothing more to do with him, he begged me to still talk to him and be around because he 'didn't want to be without me'. Somewhere along the line that changed, just like his fickle mind (after 3 years he suddenly realised he 'no longer wanted to be in a relationship') and nothing...we just stopped talking and 2 years on I still have no idea why.

Why did he suddenly just stop caring, I find it impossible that he ever actually truly loved me because if he did, you don't just forget about someone, after all I had thought about him a lot and he never left my mind. So many things had happened, I had been through so much, much of it not good and the one person I wanted to share it with or to talk to was him. I didn't want to feel that way but as someone who guarded her emotions well and shared nothing, he changed that. I went from saying nothing to sharing everything and then when I no longer had him around to share things with...nothing again! I confided in my best friend, other friends and appreciated having them but I missed our bond, it was different.

'I need to tell you something but the right person isn't asking me what's wrong' read my 13 year old cousin's online screename. A sense of sadness overcame me; at such a young age I was distressed that such a thought or emotion was already present in her precious young life. But honestly, I knew exactly how that felt, I was feeling a pain, experiencing a hurt that truly, I only wanted one person to notice - someone you cared about so much and provided so much for could easily walk away and turn their back on you.

It was a harsh reality but people were increasingly selfish the more selfless you were...why? So whilst I lay here consumed in my pain and my emotions once again like so many times before, the right person wasn't concerned, effectively the right person didn't or wasn't asking me what was wrong...he simply didn't care.

H.B. (Heart Broken)